Iran plans to rape all women and kill all Jews!
New revelations from an Iranian dissident code-named "screwball" reveal shocking plans on the part of that fiendish nation. The former New York hot dog vendor claims he sold one (with mustard and sauerkraut) to an Iranian agent who told him the true story of Islamic fundamentalist plans to take over churches, synagogues and mosques and turn them into falafel stands and sex orgy headquarters. There, women would be sliced and diced after being ravaged by horny Muslims, then sold to unsuspecting Americans as tasty middle eastern treats. The White House, CIA, FBI, congress and the judiciary all found "screwball's" stories to be based on sound and solid factually verifiable information. "He's no curveball type of guy, this is legitimate. The fact that he was wearing a propeller beanie and picking his nose while talking to us is no indication that his information is anything but based on sound story telling skills. We should attack Iran immediately, before Israel has to waste all its nukes" said Obama spokesperson, Moishe Giveashitz.
New program for Instant Citizenship
Inspired by the leadership of the president and supportive of America's desperate search for cheaper labor, a new program of bipartisan Obamanomics will enable immigrants who enter the country illegally to become immediate citizens and begin shopping at upscale Nordmart or downscale Wallstrom stores using new "Welcome Wetback" cards issued by a private non-profit organization dedicated to democratic capitalism and humanitarian usury.
"These newcomers will be able to go into debt as soon as they enter our glorious mall, er, nation, and thereby become equal participants in the patriotic drive to mortgage our future to corporate capital." said a representative of Yes We Can Buy Now and Maybe Pay Later, a private non-profit formed by the Wall Street triad of Goldwoman Sachs, Bank of Americus and La Raza del Dinero.
Having already replaced much government activity with privately focused and more marketable commodities, the firm will next sponsor a program to offer medical degrees to functional illiterates and former war criminals in order to bring the wages paid to surgeons down to five dollars an hour.
"We will finally solve America's crisis in health care by making it affordable to all." said group spokesperson, Dr. Consuelo Mishigass.
Twits Won't Have to Tweet Anymore
AmaZoogle, universal leader in new uses of the Internet through marketing other people's ideas, and following its genius twelve-year-old multi billionaire owner, has created a new social networking service. The system, called Litter, will allow pouting, whining, kvetching and verbal threatening via instant complaints of no more than 20 words. These will be transmitted at previously unavailable speeds with use of the new IGD system (Internet Garbage Disposal) which allows venting and ridding of boring or otherwise uninteresting viewpoints, opinions, gripes, attitudes and desperately meaningless outrage in a fashion much quicker, more pointless and with greater energy conservation than any that has existed before.
"Tweeting will become outmoded about thirty seconds after this hits the ozone, or the cloud, or whatever it is our lab nerds call it, " said company CEO and billionaire copycat, Pilfer K. Crapowitz.
New Lox TV Asian market philosopher debuts.
Overweight bodies and undernourished minds will savor the eastern wisdom and cuisine ads of Lox TV's new advice personality, Confuse-Us.
The philosopher chef and martial arts expert, mysteriously imported by Lox TV either from Tibet, Mongolia or San Francisco's Chinatown, will prognosticate on the same subjects covered by other Lox analysts who reside at mental health crisis centers, but with one major difference. His perspective promises more wisdom for consumption by the growing Asian-American market, said to represent the most highly educated and lowly respected in the nation.
Confuse-Us will finally offer an antidote to the cheap, trivial and derisive characters of Asian people perpetuated by main stream media, with ponderous and probing perspectives offered on subjects as varied as the price of new cars, the waistlines of young women or comparisons between brown and white rice, to the meaning of meaning and the possibility of war with Tibet, Mongolia or San Francisco's Chinatown. A Lox TV biracial multicultural transsexual affirmative action communications and diversity marketing director says "You be sure tune in, even if you no Asian Amelican. We likee you money no matta wha you lookee like".
Gossip Whistle Blower Makes Shocking Find
Leakywinks claims sordid affair going on between already married Israeli Knesset member and not yet divorced American State Dept. official.
Israelis deny any such relationship, claim more general intimate bonds with total American government with no individual love necessary.
An Israeli spokesperson who lives at the White House said " why should we need to have love affairs with any specific American leaders when they are all so passionately devoted to us?"
New Demands Made By Falsers
In their continuing battle with Truthers, Falsers have announced a series of support groups to counter those which claim controlled demolition of the twin towers was behind the 911-terror attack.
"We strongly support the continued controlled demolition of the American mind, and while we appreciate the Truthers help in this area, we need to go much further, to the American political economy itself. In that spirit, we offer new self-help, identity and rehab groups to our fellow citizens that can help hasten the day we bring on complete mental, physical and emotional breakdown of the American people and their system.
To that end, we need an ILF to create respect and self esteem for morons (Imbecile Liberation Front), an IAA to enable us to further befriend our neighbors in nature (Insect Adoption Agency)and an AHSR to enable us to even more intimately befriend our pets (Animal Human Sexual Relations). These groups will help us move beyond ridiculous tendencies toward logic, rationality and humanity which threaten to engulf us in a sick malaise of democratic people centered spiritually focused materially based shaping of reality. Just thinking that makes me want to vomit. We need a PLF (pukers liberation front)."
Disclaimer from Legalienate:
We are not saying any of this stuff is true, but we saw it on Lox TV and therefore it probably makes as much sense as anything else on TV.
Or in the press.
Or online.
